Pirates IRC

Looking for new and more exciting narratives for the biographies.
Here is an example:

Your journey begins after your Mother is killed by Kanjar Ro's infamous Rapier. Ye be 22 years ole 'n are from th' town o' Puerto Cabello.
Ye 'ave lived a life o' solitude. Ye brin' yer most prized possession, a heart necklace.
Ye be known as Swabbie 'Stinky' 'n begin yer journey wit' th' crew o' th' The Methadone Clinic.

Below is what is currently used to generate random biographies for new crewmembers. Each section is used once and is randomly selected.


[bio1]
;reason to be a pirate
1=Your journey begins after your <Relative> is killed by <nemesis> $+ 's infamous <Sword>.
2=Yer journey begins aft yer <Kin> be scuttled by <nemesis> $+ 's infamous <Gun>.
3=Aft years o' workin' hard as a <job>, ye seek a life o' fame 'n riches aft readin' about th' infamous pirate, <pirate>.
4=On a dark 'n stormy night, yer dear ole <Kin>, be kidnapped by th' evil pirate cap'n <nemesis>.
5=Aft a hard day o' workin' as a <job>, ye visit a local tavern 'n encounter th' notorious pirate <nemesis> who humilates ye in a rap battle.
6=Yer journey begins aft yer <Kin>, bein' kidnapped by th' evil pirate, <nemesis>.
7=Th' year be 1670. Aft seein' yer <kin> live a desolate life 'n die as a <job>, ye seek fame 'n loot on th' high seas wit' th' infamous pirate, <pirate>.
8=In th' dead o' th' night, ye be kidnapped 'n brought onboard th' <ship> t' work as a slave onboard <nemesis>'s pirate ship.
9=When ye be still a lad, yer family be enslaved by th' evil <pirate>, 'n only ye manage t' escape.
10=Ye journey begins aft' ye be bit by a mutant crab.
11=Ye journey begins aft' ye realize tha' ye will ne'er make it as a real adult.
12=Ye journey begins aft' ye realize tha' the proletariat revolution haint be imminent.
13=Ye journey begins aft' being rejected by a community of Franciscan Friars.
14=Ye journey begins aft' escapin' from the palace of the Sheikh o' Sharjah.
15=Ye journey begins aft' bein' awakened by the kiss o' a prince. 'e were much uglier than ye was expectin', an' so ye 'ad te run away.
16=Ye journey begins aft' receivin' divine revelation, instructin' ye te go forth onte the 'igh seas.
17=Ye journey begins aft' returnin' 'ome from the Trojan War.
18=In the waning years of the Third Era, a prisoner born on a certain day to uncertain parents was sent under guard, without explanation, to <port>, ignorant of the role he was to play in the nation's history...
19=Ye journey begins aft' quittin' graduate school.
20=Ye journey begins aft' givin' up on real life.


[bio2]
;age and location
1=Ye be <age> years ole 'n are from th' town o' <port>.
2=Ye 'ave suffered <age> years in th' filthy port o' <port>.
3=Aft livin' a life o' luxury fer <age> years workin' as a <job>, ye be ready t' seek a more excitin' life from th' bustlin' port o' <port>.
4=Tired o' livin' in squalor in th' town o' <port>, fer th' past <age> years, ye decide t' make a change by enlistin' as a pirate.
5=Aft livin' in yer elder's hold fer <age> years, ye decide 'tis time t' move on from <port>.
6=Ye be <age> years ole 'n are from th' port o' <port>.
7=Ten years later, now a <sex> o' <age>, ye decide t' set sail fer <port> t' try yer luck thar.

[bio3]
;family
1=Ye 'ave lived a life o' solitude.
2=Ye <spouse>, <spousename>, be o' $rand(18,64) years.
3=Ye 'ave a <spouse> o' $rand(12,64) years named <spousename>.
4=Ye 'ave a daughter who be $rand(12,64) years ole named <daughter>.
5=Ye 'ave a son who be $rand(12,64) years ole named <son>.
6=Ye 'ave a $rand(18,64) years ole <spouse> named <spousename> 'n a son named <son>.
7=Ye 'ave a $rand(18,64) years ole <spouse> named <spousename> 'n a daughter named <daughter>.
8=Ye 'ave fathered $rand(4,16) sprogs, but claim none o' them.
9=Ye be a loner.
10=Ye life begins without any scallywags or family aft years o' hardship.
11=Ye live a life o' celibacy in a commune.

[bio4]
;gear
1=Ye carry th' only thin' yer family has ever given ye, <gear>.
2=Th' only thin' ye brin' wit' ye be <gear>.
3=Ye brin' yer most prized possession, <gear>.
4=In ye pocket, ye keep <gear>.
5=Ye keep <gear> in ye pocket t' keep as a trophy o' ye first scuttle.
6=Inside ye pocket, ye keep <gear> as a trophy o' ye first love.

[bio5]
;journey as a pirate begins
1=Ye be known as <rank> <nickname> 'n begin yer journey wit' th' crew o' th' <ship>.
2=Th' jolly crew o' th' <ship> christen ye wit' th' nickname <nickname> as ye journey begins as a <rank>.
3=Ye nickname onboard th' <ship> be <nickname>. Ye day o' pirate life begins as a <rank>!
4=Tally Ho <nickname>! Ye journey as a <rank> pirate begins!
5=Avast ye scallywags! <nickname> th' <rank> has begun life anew onboard th' <ship>.
6=Ye get t' find out wha' t' do wit' a drunken sailor onboard th' <ship> as a <rank> aft th' crew names ye <nickname>.

Any help in adding some narratives to each section would be appreciated.

Added, thanks!